Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version
by RaeVenn-Chan
Summary: One-shots and short stories about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process. Chapter 9: Halloween.
1. Scissors

Lori picked up the scissors and started to swirl them around her finger.

"Why are you doing that?"

Lori looked up at Prowl through one half-closed eye. "Doing what?"

"Swirling the scissors around. Isn't it dangerous?"

She cocked her head to the side ever so slightly. "…So?"

"So why are you doing it?"

"Better question, why shouldn't I do it?"

"Because it's dangerous."

"Now, you see, that's why it's the better question."

Prowl's logic processor tried to comprehend that. He had faith in them, he knew they'd help him come up with a decent answer. "Huh?"

Okay… maybe not…

"What do you mean 'huh'?"

"I apologize, but I do not understand your logic."

"Why shouldn't I do it is a better question because it actually has an answer. Duh."

---

**Yeah.. Well you see, I was swirling scissors around and this suddenly popped in my head and wouldn't leave, so…**

**Anyway, from the few FanFics that I've read with Prowl in it, it seems he's all about logic, so I decided to use him… and decided to use Lori (Cybertron) because she and Coby are my favorite characters…**

**Sorry for the shortness and pure crappiness. I had a headache, so I took some medicine... yeah, my brains kinda fuzzy... and loopy...**


	2. How does your species reproduce?

Title: How does your species reproduce?

Summary: A slightly… different take on the phrase 'I'll tell you when your older.'

Genre: Humor.

Rating: K 

Words: 434 (Not including any of this or A/N's)

Beginning A/N's: I've always wanted to make a story filled with pointless, semi-funny one shots.

---

Sam and Mikaela collapsed into a mad laughing fit while the coffee Coby had been drinking ended up all over Bud's face.

Lori looked up at the large robot, wide-eyes incredulous. "Excuse me?"

Ratchet raised an optic ridge. "I asked how does your species reproduce?"

Her eye twitched ever so slightly. "And why are you asking me that? Why not Will or Sarah?"

"Because you are the human medic so you are the most likely to know." (1)

All eyes, human and Autobot, were now on her. She could feel a headache coming. _How to get out of this, how to get out of this, how to get out of this, how to- _ She looked at Bud. _Bingo._

Lori walked over to Bud, clasped his arm, and starting making her out of the room. "Sorry Ratchet, but can't answer you right now. That coffee was really hot and could have possibly damaged his eyes, so-"

"But Lori." Bud interrupted. "My eyes are fin-" She stomped on his foot.

"Shut it." She whispered. "Later guys."

Ratchet stood up. "You didn't-" But she was already gone.

Coby shook his head. He couldn't believe Lori had managed to get out of that. His eyes widened considerably when Ratchet's gaze turned to them. "Um, Sam, Mikaela. Could I talk to you in the other room for a sec?"

"But-"

"Now."

The two finally seemed to realize what was going on and the remaining humans managed to get out of the room before Ratchet could ask one of _them_ the embarrassing question.

--

Two days later.

--

Lori looked around warily before entering the room. "Is Ratchet around?"

"I think he's in the Med-Bay patching up Sides and Sunshine." Jazz helpfully provided.

"What happened this time?"

"They thought it would be funny to paint my room with pink polka dots." Ironhide growled irritably.

"Will they ever lear-"

"There you are!"

The sudden voice made Lori whip around. "Ratchet! Um, what are- what are you doing here?"

"This _is _the Autobot base."

"I know that but Jazz said you were patching up Sunstreaker and Sideswipe."

"Only a few dents. Besides, I asked Red Alert to tell me when you got here."

"Um, why?"

"You never answered my question the other day."

All optics in the room turned to her, reminding Lori of the day before yesterday. She looked at the mechs around her, all seeming vastly amused. She'd kill them for that later. But right now, how to get out of this… a grin lit up her face when an idea finally entered her mind.

"I'll tell you when I'm older."

---

**What can I say? This stupid… whatever it is latched onto my brain and wouldn't let go… and so, after ignoring it for two bloody weeks it threatened to eat my brains if I didn't write it so… you have this.**

**Ages:**

**Bud: 15**

**Lori & Coby: 17**

**Sam & Mikaela: 19**

**1. I don't know why, but I've always pictured Lori as a medic… probably most of my future one shots will mention her as a medic…**


	3. You haven't, have you?

**Title: You haven't… have you?**

**Summary: In situations like this, it's best to just not ask.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: K bordering on K plus**

**Words: 406 (Not including any of this or A/N's)**

**Pairings: None.**

**General A/N's: 'To confuse humiliate and/or annoy the Autobots' will be filled with Crack!Pairings. **_**Maybe**_** slash… I'm not sure yet. And also, I'm sorry if it's disorganized, or something. I'm still trying to get used to this whole 'one story, several one-shots' thing…**

**Story A/N's: By the way, Coby and Bud are twins in this one-shot. Sorry about that, but that's the only way this would work.**

---

Lori easily washed off all her tools before calmly putting them away. She slowly turned back to her patient and just stood there, looking at him.

Bud flinched at the look she was giving him. He knew that look. The 'calm before the storm' look. He started fidgeting nervously. "So, um, Doc. Am all better?"

"Yes."

Yuh-oh, she had gone monosyllabic.

Bud stood up. "Okay then, if everything's fine, I'll just be going…" He was almost to the door before Lori caught his arm.

"Oh, Bud, I never said we were done, now did I?"

Bud's face paled. Oh hell, here comes the storm.

---

Sideswipe rested his feet on a nearby table and watched in semi-interest as a terrified looking Bud stumbled out of the Med-Bay, a pissed-off-looking-mini-female-version-of-Ratchet not far behind.

"And if you ever even consider _trying_ to do something that incredibly stupid again, I swear to you, by the time I'm done with you, you'll wish that you were in the Decepticons hands instead of mine."

Bud nodded dumbly before rushing out the door.

Lori sighed. "He'll never learn…" She suddenly turned to Ratchet. "Thanks for letting me use your Med-Bay, Ratch."

Sideswipe's feet hit the floor with a loud _thunk_. "Wait a second. Are you saying that Ratchet, _this _Ratchet, _actually_ let you use _his _Med-Bay?"

"Um, yeah…"

He jumped to his feet. "But he _never_ let's _anybody _use his Med-Bay! Oh, I have to tell everybody about thi-"

"Sideswipe, stop being such a fraggin' idiot and shut the frag up." The two said simultaneously.

Sideswipe stared at them, wide-eyed. "You two have so much in common it's scary…"

Lori rolled her eyes and Ratchet simply ignored him and started sipping his Energon.

"Well, there's one thing we don't have in common. I've dated one of my twins, whereas Ratchet hasn't." Lori blinked and looked up at Ratchet. "You haven't dated one of your twins, right?"

A fairly disgusted Sideswipe started wiping at his face, trying in vain to get Ratchet's spit Energon off of it.

"Primus, NO!" Ratchet yelled.

Despite being startled by the sudden yelling, Lori started snickering. A quiet chuckle from Sideswipe made her started laughing out loud. It wasn't long before the two were roaring with laughter, a more-than-usual-annoyed Ratchet glaring at them.

And this is how Sunstreaker, Ironhide, and Jazz found them. The three looked at each other and simultaneously turned around, walking out of the room. In situations like this, it's best to just not ask.

---


	4. Rock, paper, scissors

**Story title: Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version.**

**Chapter title: Rock, paper, scissors.**

**Story summary: One-shots and drabbles about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process.**

**Chapter summary: Coby and Bud try to explain Rock, paper, scissors to Prowl. It doesn't go to well…**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: T for nine curse words.**

**Words: 383 (Not including any of this or A/N's)**

**Pairings: None.**

**General A/N's: Okay, I'm changing 'To confuse humiliate and/or annoy the Autobots' name. I like 'Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version' a bit better.**

**Story A/N's: I'm imagining Coby and Lori being somewhere in between 19 and 21, and Bud about three years younger then them both.**

--

Prowl looked over at Bud as he cursed loudly.

"Damn!"

"Ha! You lose. You get to explain to Lori why her lab coat mysteriously set fire yesterday."

"Double damn. Two out of three!"

"You're on!"

The two beat their fisted hand against their open palm three times before stopping.

"Scissors beats paper!"

"Shit. Tiebreaker."

They repeated the process, which ended in Bud cursing loudly… again.

"You lose yet again little brother. Now, go on. Go tell Lori what happened to her lab coat. Oh, and don't worry, I'll make sure you have a nice funeral."

Bud groaned. "Damn. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. Three out of five?" He ventured.

Before they could restart the process, Prowl intervened. "What in the name of Primus are you two doing?"

Coby looked up at him, barely suppressing a grin. "Rock, paper, scissors."

"…What?"

"It's a game."

"Would you please go into more detail about this… game?"

"Well, we use it to figure out who gets to do something. Like just now. Since Bud lost, he gets to tell Lori what happened to her lab coat."

"So… your species uses this… game to make your decisions?"

"Uh, no. We just sometimes use it for insignificant, unimportant stuff. The actual important stuff takes more thought, or someone in in a position of authority. Sometimes we even vote."

"How exactly do you play this game?"

"You have three different options. Rock, paper, or scissors." He moved his hand around to accommodate each symbol. A fist for rock, a flat palm for paper, and two of his fingers in a snipping motion for scissors. "Rock smashes scissors, scissors cuts paper, and paper covers rock."

Prowl tried to wrap his processor around this new tidbit of information. The rock would have to be fairly large to efficiently smash the scissors, and surely by that point a piece of paper couldn't cover it up. And even if it could, a mere piece of paper couldn't stop a rock. And at this point, the smashed scissors wouldn't be able to cut the paper. And, and, and…"

Coby turned to Bud, his fisted right hand resting lightly in his left hand's open palm. "Loser gets to tell Ratchet why Prowl's logic processors overloaded."

"You're on!"


	5. Interfacing

**Story title: Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version.**

**Chapter title: Interfacing.**

**Story summary: One-shots and drabbles about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process.**

**Chapter summary: Lori has a little 'talk' with Jazz when he talks a little too much in front of her daughter.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: K plus. **_**Maybe **_**T, but I don't think so.**

**Words: 540**

**Pairings: Minor Lori/Coby**

**General A/N's: None**

**Story A/N's: Refer to bottom of the page.**

"Mommy?" Little Jessica stared up at Lori.

"Yes sweetie?" Lori asked, not bothering to look up from her paperwork. She took a sip of coffee.

"What's interfacing?"

And promptly spit it all over the table (And her paperwork, much to her chagrin).She stared at her daughter. "Where did you learn that word?" She asked, trying to remain calm. She'd dismantle piece by fraggin' piece whoever said that in front of her daughter.

The little girl shrugged. "I heard uncle Jazz talking about it with uncle Ironhide."

"Right. Excuse me honey, but I need to go have a little talk with uncle Jazz and uncle Ironhide. Be right back."

"But mommy, you never told me what interfacing was!"

She turned toward Jessica, the typical 'I'll tell you when you're older' excuse coming to mind. Her eyes flashed as she dismissed that thought, something much better coming to mind. This would be good.

* * *

Lori stomped into the rec. room. "You!"

Her victi- er, I mean Jazz jumped slightly. He looked down at her. "Yes?"

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean my daughter just came up to me and asked me what interfacing was! And she said she overheard the word from you!"

A few mechs around the room did exactly what she did when Jessica asked her (A.K.A. Spit out their energon and stared at Jazz in disbelief) which made her feel a bit better. But the rest were nearly choking on their glossa to keep from laughing, so that annoyed her even more.

Jazz's optics widened. "Oh slag."

"Exactly! Now tell me what the hell you were thinking when you decided to talk about interfacing in front of my daughter!" Apparently he didn't answer fast enough, because Lori suddenly stepped forward, kicking his legs, easily getting her small foot between his leg plating, hitting the sensitive wires underneath.

* * *

Ratchet sighed in exasperation as he heard a yelp of pain. He slowly got up grabbing his wrench. "Might as well make sure they don't kill each other. He walked out of his med-bay, Wheeljack following.

* * *

"Ouch! Slag it, kid, I already said I'm sorry!"

"Not good enough! You have to promise to be more careful around my daughter!"

"Ow! Okay, okay! I promise to be extremely careful about what I say when I know your daughter is in the base!"

Lori stopped kicking him. "Good." She glared at him. "But don't think you're going to get off scot-free!"

Jazz rubbed his sore leg. "Isn't this enough of a punishment?"

"Nope." She said simply, turning around, and walking out of the room. Just as she reached the door, it opened, Jessica appearing in the doorway. Lori smirked, whispering something to low for any of them too hear. Jessica nodded, running toward Jazz.

"Uncle Jazz.?"

He looked down at her warily. He really didn't like the look on her mother's face when she left. "Yes?"

"What's interfacing?"

Jazz started banging his head against the wall. The newly arrived Ratchet and Wheeljack burst into laughter, along with almost every mech in the rec. room.

It was official. Primus hated him.

**Just for those who are curious, Coby is the dad and Jessica is about five or six years old in this. And, no, Jessica probably won't appear ever again.**


	6. Bribes

**Story title: Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version.**

**Chapter title: Bribes.**

**Story summary: One-shots and drabbles about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process.**

**Chapter summary: Sideswipe convinces Mikaela to help him get Sunstreaker out of trouble.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: T for cursing.**

**Words: 407**

**Story A/N's: Meh, I don't know if this one really fits with the theme of 'HE:AV', but it's too short to be by itself (Ignores 'Wanna go to the firing range' which is 217 words, less than 200 if you exclude A/N's)**

* * *

"Get your sorry aft over here so I can kick it!"

The meager amount of Autobots on Earth watched in amusement as Sunstreaker narrowly avoided Ratchet's wrench.

Jazz, Ironhide, and Sideswipe sat at a table in the corner. Sideswipe watched his twin barely avoiding Hatchet for a few more seconds before looking down at the small human sitting in the of the table. Mikaela glared up at him. She frowned. "No."

"Oh, come on."

"No way in hell."

"It's not that bad."

"Not that bad? If Ratchet finds out, he'll kill me."

"Please." Sideswipe whined, doing the classic 'puppy-dog-eyes'.

Mikaela rolled her eyes. "Fine…" She sighed mournfully. "My ass is so going to hurt tomorrow." Another glare directed toward the giant red mech. "If I have to do this, the least you could do is put me down on the ground instead of making me climb."

Sideswipe obligingly put his hand beside her, waited until she climbed on it, then gently set her on the floor. Jazz turned toward Ironhide, a 'do-you-know-what's-going-on?' look on his face. Ironhide shrugged.

* * *

Mikaela didn't dare get to close to the infuriated medic in fear of a dodged wrench accidentally hitting her. As it was, she knew her distance -and timing- had to be perfect or it wouldn't work. It had taken a few tries, but now nearly every human that frequently visited the base had gotten the routine down. When she thought she was close enough -yet far enough- she walked forward several steps, 'accidentally' tripping, ending up sprawled on her back, glaring at the ceiling. Immediately Ratchet was hovering over her, the golden twin all but forgotten. Sunstreaker wisely took advantage of the temporary distraction, running out of the room before Ratchet could grab -or throw something at- him.

* * *

Mikaela stomped over to Sideswipe several minutes later and glared up at him. "Two-hundred."

"One-twenty."

"One-eighty."

"One-forty."

"One-sixty."

"Deal. It'll be in your bank account by tomorrow."

She made a noise of satisfaction, and promptly stalked off before Ratchet could see the interaction.

Jazz grinned as he realized what was going on. "You're _bribing_ the humans to distract Ratchet when you two are in trouble?"

Sideswipe grinned. "Pretty much."

The three at the table burst out into laughter, the remaining Autobots in the room looking at them as if they were crazy.

* * *

**Done because I thought I was focusing too much on Lori as the human in these.**


	7. Bribes Pt 2

**Story title: Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version.**

**Chapter title: Bribes Part Two.**

**Story summary: One-shots and drabbles about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process.**

**Chapter summary: Ratchet gets suspicious.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: T for cursing.**

**Words: 1266**

**Story A/N's: Longest one yet! (And again, I still don't think it fits with the theme of HE:AV, but hey shrugs it's not like I could put it anywhere else considering the first part is here.)**

* * *

Ratchet glared down at the human smiling up at him nervously. If humans weren't so accident-prone he'd almost think that they were _planning_ this. But they didn't have any reason, too. Right? Ratchet's holoform extended it's hand, helping Sam up. "You're fine. And Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop tripping."

A cheeky grin. "I'll try my best." Sam ran out of the room before he could reply.

Ratchet shook his head. Humans.

* * *

A week later.

* * *

Ratchet sat down at a table in the rec. room, putting a finger next to his optic to stop it from twitching. The twins were on another pranking spree and it seemed every time he turned around a human was falling or doing something just as ridiculous and getting themselves injured. "Slaggin' twins… stupid clumsy humans…" He grumbled.

Ironhide nearly choked on his energon. "Yes… clumsy…" He suddenly found the unmaker in the form of a terrifying medic glaring at him.

* * *

Jazz walked into the rec. room. He made his way toward the only occupied table into the room, stopping when Ratchet suddenly glared at Ironhide.

"Ironhide… do you know anything about why the humans are always tripping?"

"Um…"

They way he saw it, he had two options. One, do nothing and let Ratchet interrogate Ironhide and then stay out of the way as Ratchet went and murdered the twins and all the humans involved or two, save Ironhide and in the process end up saving the twins and the humans. He sighed. Damn him for being such a nice 'bot, because he was certain the first option would be far more entertaining. "Hey, 'Hide. Could you come here for a sec? I need your help with something."

Ironhide looked up at him in obvious relief. "Sorry Ratch, but I gotta go." He proceeded to run out of the room, dragging Jazz behind him. As soon as they were as far away from the rec. room as they could possibly be while still being in the base, he asked, "So what did you need?"

Jazz shrugged, a habit he had picked up from the humans. "Nothin', I was just saving you from Ratchet. Hey, you think we should warn the twins Ratchet's gettin' suspicious?"

"Don't know, don't care. All I know is I'm staying out of it from now on."

* * *

Ratchet growled and lunged, the 'Petunia of Peril' as Jazz dubbed him barely dodging. Sideswipe put his hands in front of him, a placating gesture. "Come on Ratch, it was just a joke."

"Joke?! JOKE?! YOU WELDED PROWL'S AFT TO THE CEILING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY _HOURS_ IT TOOK FOR ME TO GET HIM DOWN?"

"Um… considering we did that about six hours ago… anywhere between six hours and one hour?"

Ratchet was about to maul the glitch-headed pain-in-the-aft when he heard a thump behind him, quickly followed by a muffled 'ow'. He turned around and found Miles face down, spread-eagle on the floor. He immediately rushed over to make sure the accident-prone human wasn't injured. As much as he would like to kill Sideswipe, it was his duty as a medic to treat any and all injured. A few minutes and a perfectly fine human later, Ratchet turned around, not surprised to find Sideswipe gone.

He sat down moodily, glaring at nothing. He was tired, cranky, really tired, severely annoyed, and did he mention tired? He'd hunt down and kill the twins later.

* * *

Nearly an hour later.

* * *

Most of the mechs had drifted off to do something else, now that the entertainment was over. (Watching Ratchet rip someone to shreds figuratively or literally was considered a great source of amusement around the base, as long as it wasn't _you_ that Ratchet was mad at) The only two left was Ratchet (Still glaring at nothing) and Jazz. (Who was surfing the internet to find something to amuse him because a _bored_ Jazz was a _bad_ Jazz)

Ratchet suddenly froze as the events of the past few months finally _clicked_ in his mind. "THOSE SORRY FRAGGERS ARE USING THE HUMANS TO DISTRACT ME!!"

Jazz watched, optics wide, as Ratchet practically flew out the room in his mad dash to find and murder the twins and whatever human was involved. He immediately ran in hopes of finding the twins before Ratchet did.

* * *

Sideswipe barely managed to remain upright when Jazz rammed into him. Jazz looked up at him and said, "Ratchet's figured out you've been bribing the humans and he's looking for you."

Sideswipe relayed the information to his twin, instantly feeling the panic from that side of the bond. "You know, the humans have a perfect saying for this. Fubar - fragged up beyond all repair." He mocked saluted the smaller mech. "Goodbye." He started to run off. Jazz grabbed him before he could get to far.

"Oh no you don't. Considering it's all _your_ fault, you're going to help me warn all humans involved. Now, which ones helped you?"

Sideswipe quickly went through his memories, trying to remember which humans he had bribed. "Um… it might be quicker for me to tell you which humans we _didn't_ bribe."

Jazz looked at him, optics disbelieving. "Which human did you not use?" He asked.

"Annabelle. And only because she's too tiny to understand yet. Give her a few years though."

Jazz shook his head. "You get Sunshine. I'll get 'Hide and then we can grab all the humans and run like the unmaker is after us." He suddenly looked up thoughtfully. "Now that I think it might, it is entirely possible that Hatchet _is_ the unmaker in mech form." He shook his head. He pushed Sideswipe. "Get a move on, we need to hurry if we're going to find the humans before Ratch does."

Sideswipe scowled at him. "Why should I risk my life to save them? Like you just said, Ratchet is the unmaker in mech form. I'm running."

Jazz's optics flickered, the closest he could get to rolling his eyes. He liked his tiny friends. He wasn't ready for them to die yet. "Help me or everybody will have a copy of my _whole stash_ of blackmail against you two by tomorrow morning."

Another scowl. Eventually he crossed his arms and sulkily looked away, grumbling. "Fine." He stormed off without another word.

* * *

The four searched the whole base and found no one. (Well, they came across Ratchet a couple of times, but the twins managed to hide before they were seen.) They exited the base and, to their surprise, found everybody (Mech and human) out there, enjoying the sunny day.

Sideswipe walked over to them and yelled. "Hatchet has found out we've been bribing you humans to distract him so we can get away and he's heading here so I suggest you all run. Quickly."

Immediately Jazz, Ironhide, Bumblebee, and the twins transformed. The humans looked at each other, then abruptly scrambled. Mikaela, Miles, and Sam got into Bumblebee. Will grabbed Annabelle and Sarah and they made their way towards Ironhide. Robert (Epps) and Fig ran toward Jazz while Coby and Bud decided to go with Sideswipe. Lori walked toward Sunstreaker, he being the only car left. This all happened in under fifteen seconds. (Shows you how scary Ratchet is )

They five cars zoomed off just as the furious medic stormed out of the base. Ratchet cursed loudly, transformed, and started chasing them.

Optimus 'blinked'. "What just happened?"

**Ha ha, I just couldn't leave this one alone. But now, it's one in the morning and I've had no sleep, so I'm going to bed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. By the way, I may or may not make a third part to this. If you have any ideas for said third part, I might do them. I'm open to suggestions.**

**Oh, and I'm sorry if the ending seems abrupt. I might fix it in the morning after I've gotten some sleep.**


	8. Bribes Pt 3

**Story title: Human Encyclopedia: Autobot Version.**

**Chapter title: Bribes Part Three.**

**Story summary: One-shots and drabbles about the Autobots trying to understand humans and getting utterly confused in the process.**

**Chapter summary: Some of the humans change their loyalties, much to the twin's annoyance.**

**Genre: Humor.**

**Rating: T.**

**Words: 818**

* * *

One month later.

* * *

Sam looked at the base fearfully. He had avoided it ever since Ratchet had found out about the bribes. Every human had. It was only safe for little Annabelle and she had no way of getting there without Will or Sarah so she could never be found wandering around the halls like she usually did. But it seemed that Ratchet tired of their avoidance because he somehow convinced Optimus to order Bumblebee, Ironhide, Jazz, and the twins to round up all humans involved. So here he found himself, traversing down a hallway with nine other nervous humans, a silent medic walking in front of them.

Ratchet opened the door to the med-bay, gesturing them inside. He picked them up, one-by-one, putting them on the closest operating table. Miles suddenly spoke up. "Before you kill us, I just have to say. It was the twin's idea."

Ratchet looked down at him in exasperated amusement. "I'm not going to kill you."

"Just making sure. And remember, twin's idea."

He shook his head and ignored Miles. "I've got a proposition for you…"

* * *

A week later.

* * *

Sarah looked around the corner. It took her less than a second to find the twins. They didn't exactly blend in. "Found them." She spoke into the little microphone clipped to her collar.

"Oh my God, we're going to die." Mikaela said.

"No, we're not." Lori.

"Yes, we are."

Sarah rolled her eyes, smiling fondly at the two bickering. "Alright, who's going in?"

"I'll distract them." Mikaela said. "Lori, go get Ratch. Sarah, you keep watch."

She watched as Mikaela made her way toward the two large mechs.

* * *

"Hey Sunstreaker, Sideswipe."

The two looked down at her. Sideswipe grinned. "I'm surprised to see you around here. I thought you were still avoiding Hatchet."

She sighed and shook her head. "We were. That is, until Ratchet got Optimus to order us all here."

He winced. "Youch. How'd you manage to get out of there alive?"

"Oh he made a little… deal with us."

"Deal?"

"Ratchet's heading your way." Lori warned, her voice sounding tinny coming from the piece of tiny technology in her ear.

"Oh, nothing big, just this." She took in a deep breath and yelled, "Ratchet! They're in here!"

The two looked at each other in horror, jumping up and running toward the door. After a week-long pranking spree, Ratchet was the _last_ person they wanted to see. And guessed who stepped into the room, blocking their path.

Ratchet nodded toward Mikaela. "As we agreed, one hundred dollars will be in your bank account by tomorrow. Relay the message to Lori and Sarah."

The twins gaped at her. "Ratchet's bribing you now?!"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"But why go with him? We pay better!"

"Yes, but Ratchet's scarier."

Sideswipe opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, closed it again, opened it once more and finally said, "Good enough point. But I'd still watch your back if I were you."

That was the last word he managed to get out before Ratchet and Prowl dragged the two out, undoubtedly to throw them in the brig.

Mikaela smiled and waved. "Hope you have a nice day!"

* * *

A month later.

* * *

Jazz snorted. In truth, it was actually quite amusing. Ratchet and the twins were still bribing the humans, the humans divided in their loyalties. Sarah, Mikaela, and Lori strictly stuck with Ratchet, while Coby and Bud never strayed from helping the twins. Will, Sam, and Miles really just went with whoever offered the best. Epps and Fig had stopped getting involved, not wanting to deal with the wrath of Ratchet or the mortifying pranks the twins dealt to whoever helped Ratchet.

The humans seemed to have an innate ability to find the twins, despite their best hiding spots. Or coming up with _ridiculous_ stunts to distract Ratchet.

Sam walked into the rec. room, messing with his new MP3 player. Jazz idly wondered who bribed him with that. He silently watched as Prowl walked up to the boy. After a few minutes of eavesdropping, he barely could restrain his laughter. It seems Prowl was even getting into this.

* * *

Sam listened in interest as Prowl explained what the twins did this time and what he'd give to him. He smirked. "Alright, I'll round up my crew. You'll have them by the end of the day." With that, he walked out of the room. When he was young, the thing he wanted to be when he grew up pretty much changed hourly. But, out of all the things he had wanted to be, an alien bounty hunter was something he never imagined. He grinned as he thought about his MP3 player and how much money was in his bank account. It was so worth it though.

* * *

**Got the phrase 'alien bounty hunter' in my head and this was spawned, lol.**

**This is probably the last of the 'Bribe' series, though I keep saying that, so who knows.**


	9. Halloween

"WoOoOoOoOo." Bud said, a sheet draped over his body.

Ratchet 'blinked'. "What in Primus's name are you doing?"

"Just messing around in the spirit of halloween."

"Hallo-what?"

Bud stared up at him in wide-eyed horror, a look he always used when one of the Autobots didn't know about something he considered important. "You don't know what halloween is?"

"No."

"Well, look it up!"

A few seconds later Ratchet frowned. "You humans go around in ridiculous outfits to get candy?"

A wide grin. "Yep!"

"What is the point of this... event?"

"I think there's a story behind it all, but I'm not sure. But most kids do it just for the candy. Some do it just for the chance to dress-up and have fun."

"That's ridiculous."

Bud shrugged and turned around. "Maybe. But we're having a party after we go trick-or-treating at Lennox's house since it's fairly secluded. Trick-or-treating starts at six, party at nine. Come if you want." He walked out of the room.

* * *

Ratchet pulled up to the house, not surprised to find everyone there. It also wasn't a surprise that Bluestreak, Wheeljack, The twins, Bumblebee, and Jazz had their holoforms out, costumes in place. Ironhide was slightly surprising. The biggest surprise, however, was Optimus and Prowl.

Ratchet activated his holoform and walked up to Optimus. "A jedi? Seriously?"

Optimus grinned. "Everyone else was going in group costumes, and the Lennox's didn't want me to feel left out."

"How did they convince 'Hide to dress up as one?"

"He says because Mrs. lennox forced him, but I think it's because of the lightsaber."

Ratchet snorted. "It would be just like him to dress-up just for the weapon."

"I did not do it just for the weapon!" Ironhide protested.

"Liar."

"Damn it Mojo! Get back here with my lightsaber." Mojo ran out of the house, Will in hot pursuit.

"You brought your dog with you?" Ratchet asked Sam.

He grinned sheepishly. "My mom kinda made me..."

Ratchet looked at his costume. "And what are you supposed to be?"

"Me and Mikaela are pit crew. ' 'Bee's a race car driver."

He looked around. "And everyone else?"

"Eh, Wheeljack is a mad scientist, Blue is his assistant. Coby, Lori, Colonel Franklin, and Professor Suzuki are an ER team, Suzuki the doctor, Lori and the Colonel the nurses, and Coby the patient. Bud is a vampire, the mini-cons his zombie slaves. Fig refused to dress up, so Maggie convinced Epps to dress-up as the Devil's side of Fig's conscience while she dressed-up as the angel side. and, let's see... Oh! Prowl is a prison warden trying to catch Jazz, and the twins who are, of course, dressed as escaped convicts. And last, but not least, Sarah, Will, 'Hide, and Optimus are dressed up as Jedis' and Annabelle is Yoda."

"Of course..."

Lori appeared at his side. "What are you going to be?"

He shrugged. "I do not know."

"Well... you could join are ER team. Wanna be our paramedic?"

* * *

"This is ridiculous."

"Ah, come on Prowler, it isn't that bad."

"Shut up Jazz..."

"Come on guys," Sarah said. "It's halloween, time to relax, have some fun."

Sunstreaker chuckled. "It seems you haven't been informed. Prowl doesn't know what fun is."

Ratchet hit him in the head.

"Ow!"

Sarah shook her head in amused exasperation.

"Just... everybody get in the car."

The holoforms melted away, the humans heading toward their favored Autobot.

* * *

Sideswipe cackled gleefully at his bucketful or candy. Unfortunately (Is you ask anyone concerning the twins) their holoforms could consume food (Or candy). And the candy (Again, unfortunately) had the same affect on them as it did children. Ratchet sighed. This was going to be a long night.

"Candy, candy, candy, candy!"

A very long night.

* * *

"This holiday is insane." Ratchet grumbled.

"Aw, you liked it, admit it." Mikaela teased him.

He walked into the Lennox's house. (his holoform, of course) "Doesn't make it any less ridiculous."

"Well, no."

"Please tell me that's all the crazy things we're doing for the night."

"Well..."

"Hey, anyone up for a horror movie?" Sam yelled from the living room.

* * *

**Haha, two hours until midnight and then it would (technically) not be halloween anymore, but I (barely) made it! Happy halloween people.**

**And, yes, I don know this sucks. But I wanted to put it up before midnight and halloween ended, so... yeah. I might come back and redo it.**

**(I'm deleting the 'Hurricane Ike' A/N's from all of my stories. Since I've obviously got computer and internet back, there isn't much point to it anymore.)**

***Thinking about the last sentence* Hmm, that might be an idea for my next one-shot...**


End file.
